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About Deviant Official Beta Tester Martin A. KerrOther/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 4 Years
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Arc Vikyne by dragoon86

As always, your unique designs and style inspire awe. Marvelous detail work coincide with a pleasing color scheme to make a unique and ...

Comm/Raff: Cordis by Kaxlene
by Kaxlene

First of all I find it sort of weird that you ask for a critique for this one... I've checked your gallery, you've got some pretty inte...




Due to time and certain peoples preference I've decided to stop thanking people for llamas. I do however give return llamas and check out the galleries of people who send them to me. I hope that's alright.
I hate my spelling and grammar... Reading over old things I've written is like a slap to the face sometimes... So many errors...
If I streamed myself writing would anyone be at all interested? I friend suggested maybe trying it and to be honest I find the concept to be rather... bizarre.
If anyone wants to join me as I play random games feel free to join me at: I'd really appreciate the company...
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get around to responding and thanking all the people who've left me messages, given me llamas, or favorited one of my works...
  • Mood: Depressed
  • Listening to: Anything that can distract me from my anxiety.
  • Reading: Way to much into things.
  • Watching: Time Fly By.
  • Playing: SFIV & Oort Online
  • Eating: What's left of my Sanity.
  • Drinking: Water
I've got bandages around me arm, a newly discovered case of narcolepsy, and a growing need for a long rope. Yeah... I'm depressed again.

Not too surprised really. Heck, I'd say it's more impressive that in spite of money troubles, relationship troubles, personal inadequacy, and continued inability to accomplish goals, that it's only now really starting to take it's tole on me. But I guess all that really isn't very informative, and seeing as this is essentially a cry for attention I might as well tell the whole story.

Recently I quit my full time job at an airport, which was earning me 8 bucks an hour, the respect of my co-workers, and the promise of a profitable (if albeit mundane) career rising up the cooperate latter of cabin cleaners. My boss was already setting me up for a raise and a promotion. But I quit anyway. Why? Well because feeling high off my success cleaning other people excrement off bathroom floors and pretending to ride first class during my off hours I came to the conclusion that if I could earn respect from people who work these terrible jobs day in and day out to take care of their families all over the world then why was I waisting these efforts working a job I didn't even like? So I could one day become lord of the cabin cleaners? So I quit to instead pursue something I was actually passionate about. Like being an entertainer. I.E. streaming let's plays and making youtube videos. Sound stupid? Well that's because it is, but cut me some slack. I'm 19, so yeah, I'm pretty naive. But whatever, I went for it. Unfortunately my bank account didn't exactly come with me. And streams and youtube video's aren't exactly things that start making you money overnight. For most of us anyway. So of course fee's started piling. And along with those fee's came debt. Because again, I'm stupid and can't manage my money. (Well that and I should really stop lending money to friends who I know will never pay me back but I digress) 

Point is, I'm broke now and it's stressing me the hell out. Also streaming and being an entertainer is stressing me the hell out as I ultimately have no way of really know whether or not the reason why I'm not rapidly accumulating twitch followers is because I'm not entertaining or just because I'm unheard of. (probably both) And then there's all my other obligations, and personal pursuits outside of streaming and making vids. I'm lucky I live with my parents and don't have to worry about living on the streets, otherwise I would have probably done myself in by now. Can't say I wouldn't be doing the world a favor. Hell, as it stands I'm basically a societal cyst. 

In conclusion: life for me doesn't really suck, but I sure do.

I guess if I gained anything from this, asides from new found respect for the practices of proper money management, it would be a bit more perspective on depression. At least, how depression effects me anyway. I've discovered that depression really isn't something you can fight. Not directly in any case. Doing so will just lead to more frustration and anxiety, and ultimately end with just you fighting yourself. That's how It feels to me at least. I get so tired of being depressed, and drowning in self loathing, that I begin to despise these emotions; and ultimately, begin despising myself for having them. I tell myself it's stupid to get so worked up over all this and to just get back to work. Which is fine for a little while. For a lot of people it's just that little pep they need to get the job done. But in the long term, when your goals don't seam any closer than the day you set them, but instead only seam to get farther and farther away, that way of thinking begins to really way you down. You begin to think that not only is it stupid to get worked up over such things, but your yourself are stupid for letting it get to you in the first place. You begin to blame yourself, not only for the problems you worry about, but for the worry you bestow upon them that sometimes leaves you paralyzed. And this thought process just slowly begins to eat away at you until everything's your fault, and there's no fighting it because you become your own worst enemy. Fighting your fears and anxieties might as well be fighting yourself. And every time you do you just tear yourself apart. 

That's how it all feels to me anyway. I dunno. Emotions are different for everyone. They're like a chemical (and in some ways quite literally are), they react differently to different environments, and to other chemicals. Unless the mixtures themselves are identical, no two reactions will ever be the same. 

Well... I guess getting all that out makes me feel a little better. I'm entering my 48th hour without being able to sleep, and to put it into astrological terms, I need a way of blowing off all this helium before I implode. But for those of you who actually read this far thanks. I really appreciate it. There's not much I can really give you by way of thanks but... I can say you have my respect I guess. You're a good person, that's for sure. After giving so much attention to a worthless guy like me I'm not even sure how you can afford the Internet with all the money you must give to charity...  

In any case, keep up the good work. Fight the good fight. And always remember:



Makerrcat's Profile Picture
Martin A. Kerr
United States
Well I'm sort of what happens when you take a Mexican, an otaku, a geek, a Christian, a cat lover, a politician, an idiot, a philosopher, a nerd, a writer, a pyro, a DIY person, a gamer, a fashonista, and slapped them all together. So yeah I'm a little insane.



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DollNeko Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Student Digital Artist
Thank you for the fav ^^
Stan-kun81 Featured By Owner 5 days ago
Thanks for the watch! ^^
JACAC Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2015
t h a n k . y o u . Martin . =)
setius Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2015
thanks for watching :iconlazeplz:
Cremebunny Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the watch!! n___n <333
cubehero Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2015
Thank you for watching! Yuki Emote
jackyfye Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thx for the :llama:  :heart: :huggle:
EclairRose Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you for the +watch, faves, and llama! Triple whammy!
InnocenceShiro Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the watch and fave :)
Makerrcat Featured By Owner Jun 24, 2015
The pleasure is all mine!
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