Listening to: Anything that can distract me from my anxiety.
Reading: Way to much into things.
Watching: Time Fly By.
Playing: SFIV & Oort Online
Eating: What's left of my Sanity.
I've got bandages around me arm, a newly discovered case of narcolepsy, and a growing need for a long rope. Yeah... I'm depressed again.
Not too surprised really. Heck, I'd say it's more impressive that in spite of money troubles, relationship troubles, personal inadequacy, and continued inability to accomplish goals, that it's only now really starting to take it's tole on me. But I guess all that really isn't very informative, and seeing as this is essentially a cry for attention I might as well tell the whole story.
Recently I quit my full time job at an airport, which was earning me 8 bucks an hour, the respect of my co-workers, and the promise of a profitable (if albeit mundane) career rising up the cooperate latter of cabin cleaners. My boss was already setting me up for a raise and a promotion. But I quit anyway. Why? Well because feeling high off my success cleaning other people excrement off bathroom floors and pretending to ride first class during my off hours I came to the conclusion that if I could earn respect from people who work these terrible jobs day in and day out to take care of their families all over the world then why was I waisting these efforts working a job I didn't even like? So I could one day become lord of the cabin cleaners? So I quit to instead pursue something I was actually passionate about. Like being an entertainer. I.E. streaming let's plays and making youtube videos. Sound stupid? Well that's because it is, but cut me some slack. I'm 19, so yeah, I'm pretty naive. But whatever, I went for it. Unfortunately my bank account didn't exactly come with me. And streams and youtube video's aren't exactly things that start making you money overnight. For most of us anyway. So of course fee's started piling. And along with those fee's came debt. Because again, I'm stupid and can't manage my money. (Well that and I should really stop lending money to friends who I know will never pay me back but I digress)
Point is, I'm broke now and it's stressing me the hell out. Also streaming and being an entertainer is stressing me the hell out as I ultimately have no way of really know whether or not the reason why I'm not rapidly accumulating twitch followers is because I'm not entertaining or just because I'm unheard of. (probably both) And then there's all my other obligations, and personal pursuits outside of streaming and making vids. I'm lucky I live with my parents and don't have to worry about living on the streets, otherwise I would have probably done myself in by now. Can't say I wouldn't be doing the world a favor. Hell, as it stands I'm basically a societal cyst.
In conclusion: life for me doesn't really suck, but I sure do.
I guess if I gained anything from this, asides from new found respect for the practices of proper money management, it would be a bit more perspective on depression. At least, how depression effects me anyway. I've discovered that depression really isn't something you can fight. Not directly in any case. Doing so will just lead to more frustration and anxiety, and ultimately end with just you fighting yourself. That's how It feels to me at least. I get so tired of being depressed, and drowning in self loathing, that I begin to despise these emotions; and ultimately, begin despising myself for having them. I tell myself it's stupid to get so worked up over all this and to just get back to work. Which is fine for a little while. For a lot of people it's just that little pep they need to get the job done. But in the long term, when your goals don't seam any closer than the day you set them, but instead only seam to get farther and farther away, that way of thinking begins to really way you down. You begin to think that not only is it stupid to get worked up over such things, but your yourself are stupid for letting it get to you in the first place. You begin to blame yourself, not only for the problems you worry about, but for the worry you bestow upon them that sometimes leaves you paralyzed. And this thought process just slowly begins to eat away at you until everything's your fault, and there's no fighting it because you become your own worst enemy. Fighting your fears and anxieties might as well be fighting yourself. And every time you do you just tear yourself apart.
That's how it all feels to me anyway. I dunno. Emotions are different for everyone. They're like a chemical (and in some ways quite literally are), they react differently to different environments, and to other chemicals. Unless the mixtures themselves are identical, no two reactions will ever be the same.
Well... I guess getting all that out makes me feel a little better. I'm entering my 48th hour without being able to sleep, and to put it into astrological terms, I need a way of blowing off all this helium before I implode. But for those of you who actually read this far thanks. I really appreciate it. There's not much I can really give you by way of thanks but... I can say you have my respect I guess. You're a good person, that's for sure. After giving so much attention to a worthless guy like me I'm not even sure how you can afford the Internet with all the money you must give to charity...
In any case, keep up the good work. Fight the good fight. And always remember: